Perceptions of fairness and equity in relationships

Many of the issues that cause problems in relationships can be traced back to a perception of unfairness in one or both parties.

An ongoing perception of unfairness will lead to the experience of resentment.

A perception of unfairness leads to an experience of anger – which is the root cause of many, if not most, arguments and conflicts couples experience. Each party tries to stand up for themselves in the face of what they see as unfairness.

The whole experience of anger stems from a thought that “things are not as they should be”. This thought often pertains to a perception that something is not “as it should be” in regard to equity (fairness) in a relationship.

The issue is that both parties in a couple see their side of the argument, and believe strongly in their view of the injustice or unfairness in the other person’s behaviour. This then becomes embedded in their “narrative” – that is the ongoing story in their mind about their partner and the relationship. Once established this “narrative” is maintained and made stronger through a process of “confirmation bias” – we tend to see things that reinforce our view and not things that challenge out view.

The business of being in a successful couple is to maintain a good “vibe” which includes clearing up any actual unfairness and/or perceptions of unfairness. It means trying to establish an effective team rather than simple winning an argument. Where there is a perception of unfairness held by either party it is very difficult for that couple to be settled, happy or harmonious. The resentment will build and the relationship will become toxic.

It is, therefore, very important to have a regular procedure for coming back to “OK” – which means coming back to a position, a perception, held by both parties that the arrangement is “fair enough”. This is a useful term because it is often hard to get things perfectly balanced. For one thing the parties might have different expectations.  To use one very simple example if one party wants a very clean house and the other party does not mind it being a bit messy – whose preferences should dominate? Obviously there needs to be understanding, good will, flexibility, compromise and the continual desire to establish a suitable or reasonable attitude of tolerance and acceptance.

However the big disrupter – the one that often leads to a long drawn out “cold war” or a hot conflict – is fairness. Where either party perceives unfairness it is important to have a procedure to discuss the issue in a calm, emotionally regulated way so that both perspectives can be laid out and understood thoroughly. This is based on the assumption that fundamentally the couple actually wants, and believes in, the benefit of a fair relationship. It is useful for each couple to therefore define what fairness looks like at each stage of their relationship.  Things will be very different before and after the arrival of children and therefore this is one of the most common times for conflict in a relationship.